I am searching my mind as to my purpose on earth at this time, as I see far too many people who are so different from the way I think and feel. I see so many manipulated by fear to the point that they don't even recognize it. They are "protected" by their way of life, their belief systems, that they believe they are invincible. All they have to do is defend these beliefs. This is very old energy. It is tribal, a theology of separation. I believe it will soon die. It is becoming more voilent and dangerous because it is fighting for its life.
It is very difficult to just be and not do anything while these forces are raging against life and humanity. It is indeed sad. This is the world our children are growing up in. They need to be raised to do the right thing, not just enjoy their lives. They need to fight the good fight. We need to set up new systems for them, based on love and community. Even if the communities are destroyed, even if the children have to start over again and again, we need to start somewhere. We need to pass on what we learn on the way.
It is only by good example that we can change the world.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Happiness in the present
I have been exploring the concept of being present in my mind and in practice for the past week more consciously than I ever did before.
I have discovered a few things.
When I am withdrawn, pulling back into myself without being aware of what I am doing, someone will come along and "force" me to come out. They will do this by being aggressive, controlling, manipulative. My ex invited me to dinner with our children but was imposing all sorts of conditions on my attendance. This forced me to stand up for myself.
On the other hand when it's I who am being controlling and aggressive, I get a withdrawal reaction from others. For example, my kids will do a peaceful protest in the middle of the side walk. (Hey, there not my kids for nothing!)
Then today, I was swimming alone. I was feeling a bit off since the morning and when I got into the pool and began my lengths, I realized that presence means always being in your own company. Now, I love being alone. But I love being alone to do whatever I want to do; writing, reading, gardening, organizing, social networking, etc. Exercising is different. When I exercise I am alone with myself, just me and my body. There aren't too many distractions that take me away from myself. Even when I go running, the scenery can be beautiful and I can see funny or poetic things along the way, but basically I am stuck with my own thoughts to keep me company.
As I turned off my bedside lamp to go to sleep a few nights ago, I was visited by an ancient fear, one that used to come and go when I was a kid. It was the fear that I wouldn't wake up. This is really a fear of finding myself alone with myself. I inherited this fear. I got distracted from my own company as a child by being over stimulated. I was smart, so I was treated like I was older than I was. So I got into the habit of looking outside of myself and forgetting to look at all that is intriguing inside. And believe me, it's fascinating in there!
Aside from these revelations, I am finding that this practice of being fully present is bringing me more peacefulness. There is nothing I want outside myself in the present. I am more confident because I view everyone I meet as equals. I feel fearless because I don't have to worry about the future, and the past cannot affect me in the present.
To be present, I need to learn to like my own company, to work out my own issues, to face my own death and yet to fully engage in the moment.
Yet, I'm so much happier!
I have discovered a few things.
When I am withdrawn, pulling back into myself without being aware of what I am doing, someone will come along and "force" me to come out. They will do this by being aggressive, controlling, manipulative. My ex invited me to dinner with our children but was imposing all sorts of conditions on my attendance. This forced me to stand up for myself.
On the other hand when it's I who am being controlling and aggressive, I get a withdrawal reaction from others. For example, my kids will do a peaceful protest in the middle of the side walk. (Hey, there not my kids for nothing!)
Then today, I was swimming alone. I was feeling a bit off since the morning and when I got into the pool and began my lengths, I realized that presence means always being in your own company. Now, I love being alone. But I love being alone to do whatever I want to do; writing, reading, gardening, organizing, social networking, etc. Exercising is different. When I exercise I am alone with myself, just me and my body. There aren't too many distractions that take me away from myself. Even when I go running, the scenery can be beautiful and I can see funny or poetic things along the way, but basically I am stuck with my own thoughts to keep me company.
As I turned off my bedside lamp to go to sleep a few nights ago, I was visited by an ancient fear, one that used to come and go when I was a kid. It was the fear that I wouldn't wake up. This is really a fear of finding myself alone with myself. I inherited this fear. I got distracted from my own company as a child by being over stimulated. I was smart, so I was treated like I was older than I was. So I got into the habit of looking outside of myself and forgetting to look at all that is intriguing inside. And believe me, it's fascinating in there!
Aside from these revelations, I am finding that this practice of being fully present is bringing me more peacefulness. There is nothing I want outside myself in the present. I am more confident because I view everyone I meet as equals. I feel fearless because I don't have to worry about the future, and the past cannot affect me in the present.
To be present, I need to learn to like my own company, to work out my own issues, to face my own death and yet to fully engage in the moment.
Yet, I'm so much happier!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Delivering Julian
In our culture, it is expected that a father and a mother take care of their offspring. In the case of my two oldest children, this was not possible. I was twenty five years old, living in France, with a five month old and a three year old when I discovered that my ex was cheating on me. It took me six years to get myself and my children to Canada to live and be close to my family.
I remarried that same year. Once again, there was a father figure in my children's lives after a three year absence.
Despite the fact that my second husband did his very best to co-parent with me, I felt the burden of the past weighing heavily upon me every time there was a problem. And there were many, especially with my son, who had potential way beyond my means of giving him what he needed to fulfill it.
Now, at twenty five, my son is going to be a father. I still worry for him and his growing family. But today, on Father's day, something happened inside me.
I was in my father's garden.
"Are ye tired," my Da asked.
"No. I'm sad."
"Why?"
"I'm not quite sure."
He made me comfortable and left me for a moment. In that moment, I was aware of my son, talking with my brother in law, Anthony. He was talking about work. They had just been for coffee together. My son was confiding in his uncle, and my lovely brother in law was taking care of him. I felt a weight lift off me. I thought, "I never needed to worry. I just needed to wait until my son was ready to reach out".
He never lacked men, role models, help or fathering. He just didn't see the need for them and now he does.
I feel like a part of my work is done. I delivered him into life and I delivered him into family. What more can I do?
I remarried that same year. Once again, there was a father figure in my children's lives after a three year absence.
Despite the fact that my second husband did his very best to co-parent with me, I felt the burden of the past weighing heavily upon me every time there was a problem. And there were many, especially with my son, who had potential way beyond my means of giving him what he needed to fulfill it.
Now, at twenty five, my son is going to be a father. I still worry for him and his growing family. But today, on Father's day, something happened inside me.
I was in my father's garden.
"Are ye tired," my Da asked.
"No. I'm sad."
"Why?"
"I'm not quite sure."
He made me comfortable and left me for a moment. In that moment, I was aware of my son, talking with my brother in law, Anthony. He was talking about work. They had just been for coffee together. My son was confiding in his uncle, and my lovely brother in law was taking care of him. I felt a weight lift off me. I thought, "I never needed to worry. I just needed to wait until my son was ready to reach out".
He never lacked men, role models, help or fathering. He just didn't see the need for them and now he does.
I feel like a part of my work is done. I delivered him into life and I delivered him into family. What more can I do?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Poetry and Presence Explained
I feel a stirring inside my heart, a warm emotion, a realisation or a question. First of all it sits, hovering to the right side of my head but the words do not take form. If I recognize it and pay attention to it, the time will come when I have to grab it. When it enters my mind fully and I see its color, form, texture, if I do not grab it on time, it disappears. Sometimes, if I'm not too late, I can catch its tail and drag it back. But, other times, I can search and search but it's gone. It is like a sacred gift and if I do not accept it, it will go find another poet to give birth to it.
Now, reading poetry is different. When I begin to read a poem, it takes me a while to enter into it. I might have to read the first lines a few times. But very quickly it drops me into another part of myself, usually my heart. The heart is a funny thing because in the heart, I am fully present. Good poetry will ground me in the present where life is so fragrant, lush, vivid and sensual. There, in that place, I completely embrace my humanity. I see the preciousness of each moment. I memorize each sensation.
I have been thinking about the problems, the karma, the suffering in our world and I believe that before we can act in the physical realm, we need to act in the spiritual dimension. We need to use our minds to intend change, we need to abandon control, we need to trust in the healing process of life.
Healing my relationships, my own psyche needs a spiritual component. I cannot be present to others if my pain is lurking in the background. At least an awareness of my pain is necessary. The true essence of human beings is in the present moment. If a past trauma is unresolved, we tend to be stuck in the past or in the future. Our body language can tell us where we are. If I am slouching, curled in on myself, I am in the past. If I am dominating everyone, controlling, orchestrating the scene, I am probably in the future.
I heard a recovering alcoholic say once "we are always becoming something, never happy about who we are right now." I can see myself in this. I am on my way to running ten kilometres, or losing ten pounds by next Wednesday or becoming a Yogi. I am not saying that any of these things are wrong in themselves, it's the motivation behind them that I question. I think, "my life will be so much better", "I will be happier", "sexier", "stronger", "more elastic". Why not just do these things because they make me feel good in the moment? Or because they are fun? That is the difference between being in the future or in the present.
Now, sometimes we need to do this time travel. If we have put out a lot of energy on a new relationship, a new job, a new or stressful situation, we will need to have some time to ourselves to recharge our batteries. My suggestion would be to completely curl into yourself and have a good nap!
As with poetry, life is a sacred gift, that can only be fully lived in the present. Grab it, catch it by the tail and embrace it or it will find someone else to give birth to!
Now, reading poetry is different. When I begin to read a poem, it takes me a while to enter into it. I might have to read the first lines a few times. But very quickly it drops me into another part of myself, usually my heart. The heart is a funny thing because in the heart, I am fully present. Good poetry will ground me in the present where life is so fragrant, lush, vivid and sensual. There, in that place, I completely embrace my humanity. I see the preciousness of each moment. I memorize each sensation.
I have been thinking about the problems, the karma, the suffering in our world and I believe that before we can act in the physical realm, we need to act in the spiritual dimension. We need to use our minds to intend change, we need to abandon control, we need to trust in the healing process of life.
Healing my relationships, my own psyche needs a spiritual component. I cannot be present to others if my pain is lurking in the background. At least an awareness of my pain is necessary. The true essence of human beings is in the present moment. If a past trauma is unresolved, we tend to be stuck in the past or in the future. Our body language can tell us where we are. If I am slouching, curled in on myself, I am in the past. If I am dominating everyone, controlling, orchestrating the scene, I am probably in the future.
I heard a recovering alcoholic say once "we are always becoming something, never happy about who we are right now." I can see myself in this. I am on my way to running ten kilometres, or losing ten pounds by next Wednesday or becoming a Yogi. I am not saying that any of these things are wrong in themselves, it's the motivation behind them that I question. I think, "my life will be so much better", "I will be happier", "sexier", "stronger", "more elastic". Why not just do these things because they make me feel good in the moment? Or because they are fun? That is the difference between being in the future or in the present.
Now, sometimes we need to do this time travel. If we have put out a lot of energy on a new relationship, a new job, a new or stressful situation, we will need to have some time to ourselves to recharge our batteries. My suggestion would be to completely curl into yourself and have a good nap!
As with poetry, life is a sacred gift, that can only be fully lived in the present. Grab it, catch it by the tail and embrace it or it will find someone else to give birth to!
Friday, June 17, 2011
From a Head to Heart, let the Love flow!
Today I had a headache that I stopped me from functioning. So I went to bed. I don't take pills if I can avoid it because I want to know what is happening in my body. It seems luxurious to some, that I take to my bed instead of getting on with it. But, it is my choice and sometimes, I can indulge in the healthiest way I know to heal.
My nap was interrupted by seconds of wakefulness that couldn't be maintained. It was like I was cut off from part of my brain. I was trying to remember in those moments what I had to do for work, but numbers seems to evade me. It was like there was part of me that was trying to get out. I could see these parts but I couldn't get them out when I tried.
When I finally woke up fully, I was concerned. One day, this might be the case. One day, my body or mind or both will break down and what I have to share with the world will be more and more difficult. I thought of a friend whose mother wrote books about how we should keep our minds healthy with games. I thought about the languages I want to learn. But most of all I thought about the love I still needed to express.
My sister came by. She made a remark about how I could sometimes be snappy when I was stressed. I told her I was sorry, that she shouldn't take it personally and that no matter what I love her. She replied "I know". It's not the first time I got this reaction to my heartfelt declarations of love. It seems that those I love know it very well. So maybe the expression of my love is not what is lacking.
Maybe I just need to enjoy expressing it more. Maybe it is simply the awareness of it flowing through me towards others that needs to increase. I am a unique channel for love. I put my own color, flavor, sound and touch to the love that flows through my heart. I suppose all I need to do is watch, feel, smell and hear it flow.
My nap was interrupted by seconds of wakefulness that couldn't be maintained. It was like I was cut off from part of my brain. I was trying to remember in those moments what I had to do for work, but numbers seems to evade me. It was like there was part of me that was trying to get out. I could see these parts but I couldn't get them out when I tried.
When I finally woke up fully, I was concerned. One day, this might be the case. One day, my body or mind or both will break down and what I have to share with the world will be more and more difficult. I thought of a friend whose mother wrote books about how we should keep our minds healthy with games. I thought about the languages I want to learn. But most of all I thought about the love I still needed to express.
My sister came by. She made a remark about how I could sometimes be snappy when I was stressed. I told her I was sorry, that she shouldn't take it personally and that no matter what I love her. She replied "I know". It's not the first time I got this reaction to my heartfelt declarations of love. It seems that those I love know it very well. So maybe the expression of my love is not what is lacking.
Maybe I just need to enjoy expressing it more. Maybe it is simply the awareness of it flowing through me towards others that needs to increase. I am a unique channel for love. I put my own color, flavor, sound and touch to the love that flows through my heart. I suppose all I need to do is watch, feel, smell and hear it flow.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Guilt, the arrogant emotion
Some parts of our culture approve of, use and even glorify guilt.
I have issues with guilt. It is self defeating and it sucks the life out of you. If guilt was a boyfriend, he'd beat you up, call you names and make you do stuff you didn't want to do. So I say, break up with guilt.
Guilt paints the world in black and white. It is judgemental. If guilt was a neighbour, it would be gossipy and unforgiving.
There is an antidote for guilt. It is self compassion. If compassion was a lover, it would be kind, gentle, considerate, helpful, but mostly understanding.
Befriend self compassion. How? Even before the guilt has time to arrive, now, for example, take time to be present to your own body and love every cell of it. Love it with your mind. Tell your body it is fabulous. Notice what an efficient organism your body is. Whatever its "flaws", they are there for a reason, love them.
Then you can ask yourself where your guilt comes from? Let me guess. You did something wrong. Who told you this was wrong? Really? Well, guess what? That person doesn't know everything. And neither do you. To assume that a situation is your fault is arrogant. It assumes you knew everything and did the wrong thing on purpose. Did you do it on purpose? No? So if a kid accidentally spills milk, you're going to yell at him and tell him it's all his fault that you have no money with him wasting milk like that? Start the guilt off early!
Or maybe you wanted something badly, so you took a short cut. Did someone ever cheat you out of anything? And that person is rotten to the core, right? No? But you are?
I will tell you a story I heard today. A man was in love with a woman but he was not allowed to marry her. He had to marry her sister. He complied. But one day, both sisters were drowning. He could only save one and he saved the one he loved, not the one he married. The guilt that ensued destroyed his life.
Firstly, he was wronged, not being allowed to marry the woman he loved. Secondly, if he had married the one he loved, maybe the sisters would never have been friends again. They wouldn't have been boating together and fallen in. So while his wife was alive, she still had her sister. We do not always know the good we do, nor the bad. Finally, where did his love for this woman come from? Was it God given? How are we to know what urges, impulses or instincts are good or bad at any given moment?
That is why being friends with yourself might help you make better decisions. Beating yourself up certainly won't.
Practicing self compassion gives us a gentler grip on life. It helps us to see the world and others with more love and beauty. We can finally see that we are never in complete control. We only have control over ourselves and even that control is limited. The more we try to control an impulse, the harder it will fight to be released. Facing it and loving that part of ourself is always a better option. I am not advocating indulgence, but self knowledge. We all have parts of our hearts that are broken. But it's not permanent.
I have issues with guilt. It is self defeating and it sucks the life out of you. If guilt was a boyfriend, he'd beat you up, call you names and make you do stuff you didn't want to do. So I say, break up with guilt.
Guilt paints the world in black and white. It is judgemental. If guilt was a neighbour, it would be gossipy and unforgiving.
There is an antidote for guilt. It is self compassion. If compassion was a lover, it would be kind, gentle, considerate, helpful, but mostly understanding.
Befriend self compassion. How? Even before the guilt has time to arrive, now, for example, take time to be present to your own body and love every cell of it. Love it with your mind. Tell your body it is fabulous. Notice what an efficient organism your body is. Whatever its "flaws", they are there for a reason, love them.
Then you can ask yourself where your guilt comes from? Let me guess. You did something wrong. Who told you this was wrong? Really? Well, guess what? That person doesn't know everything. And neither do you. To assume that a situation is your fault is arrogant. It assumes you knew everything and did the wrong thing on purpose. Did you do it on purpose? No? So if a kid accidentally spills milk, you're going to yell at him and tell him it's all his fault that you have no money with him wasting milk like that? Start the guilt off early!
Or maybe you wanted something badly, so you took a short cut. Did someone ever cheat you out of anything? And that person is rotten to the core, right? No? But you are?
I will tell you a story I heard today. A man was in love with a woman but he was not allowed to marry her. He had to marry her sister. He complied. But one day, both sisters were drowning. He could only save one and he saved the one he loved, not the one he married. The guilt that ensued destroyed his life.
Firstly, he was wronged, not being allowed to marry the woman he loved. Secondly, if he had married the one he loved, maybe the sisters would never have been friends again. They wouldn't have been boating together and fallen in. So while his wife was alive, she still had her sister. We do not always know the good we do, nor the bad. Finally, where did his love for this woman come from? Was it God given? How are we to know what urges, impulses or instincts are good or bad at any given moment?
That is why being friends with yourself might help you make better decisions. Beating yourself up certainly won't.
Practicing self compassion gives us a gentler grip on life. It helps us to see the world and others with more love and beauty. We can finally see that we are never in complete control. We only have control over ourselves and even that control is limited. The more we try to control an impulse, the harder it will fight to be released. Facing it and loving that part of ourself is always a better option. I am not advocating indulgence, but self knowledge. We all have parts of our hearts that are broken. But it's not permanent.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What makes me Happy
Today I had a happy day. It came in many different forms.
My iphone alarm woke me at six. I noticed straight away that I had a message. It was a message of love and friendship, togetherness in struggle from a friend far away. So some of my first thoughts and feelings today were warm. One the first things I did today was smile. How wonderful to start the day with a smile!
I headed out into the sunrise with my dog along the lake. Dressed in a sleeveless teeshirt and yoga pants, I fully embraced the wind that was blowing all around me. It seemed to come from everywhere. I have a thing for the wind. I feel like it stirs things up and moves stagnant energy. Maybe I love it too because I was born and raised on an island where the wind would bring us three seasons in one day!
There aren't many people on the boardwalk before seven am, but anyone who is, seems timidly friendly. As I approach my half way mark I see thirty sets of legs in the air by the beach. It's a fitness class. The onlookers include geese, swans and a crane.
I return home through a wooded area where I have seen deer and a coyote. There is a tree there that I love. I call it the magician because it appears to have a robe on.
After filling my fridge with food and doing some work, I had a delightful lunch with a friend with deep thoughtful eyes. Then later, spent many hours with three women who bring me support, laughter, joy and who cause me to be in awe of their beauty and wisdom.
I watched children, mine and others laugh and be playful. I comforted my sister who was feeling fragile. And I got a quick visit from my son and his girlfriend.
Somewhere in between all of this joyful activity, I watched a video of an acting coach Patsy Rodenberg. She said that in grief the only people who managed to comfort her were actors because actors know how to be present.
I want to be present and I want to act. Acting is how I have the most fun in the world. But I want to be present because I always want to be there for whoever is in front of me.
Now that makes me happy.
My iphone alarm woke me at six. I noticed straight away that I had a message. It was a message of love and friendship, togetherness in struggle from a friend far away. So some of my first thoughts and feelings today were warm. One the first things I did today was smile. How wonderful to start the day with a smile!
I headed out into the sunrise with my dog along the lake. Dressed in a sleeveless teeshirt and yoga pants, I fully embraced the wind that was blowing all around me. It seemed to come from everywhere. I have a thing for the wind. I feel like it stirs things up and moves stagnant energy. Maybe I love it too because I was born and raised on an island where the wind would bring us three seasons in one day!
There aren't many people on the boardwalk before seven am, but anyone who is, seems timidly friendly. As I approach my half way mark I see thirty sets of legs in the air by the beach. It's a fitness class. The onlookers include geese, swans and a crane.
I return home through a wooded area where I have seen deer and a coyote. There is a tree there that I love. I call it the magician because it appears to have a robe on.
After filling my fridge with food and doing some work, I had a delightful lunch with a friend with deep thoughtful eyes. Then later, spent many hours with three women who bring me support, laughter, joy and who cause me to be in awe of their beauty and wisdom.
I watched children, mine and others laugh and be playful. I comforted my sister who was feeling fragile. And I got a quick visit from my son and his girlfriend.
Somewhere in between all of this joyful activity, I watched a video of an acting coach Patsy Rodenberg. She said that in grief the only people who managed to comfort her were actors because actors know how to be present.
I want to be present and I want to act. Acting is how I have the most fun in the world. But I want to be present because I always want to be there for whoever is in front of me.
Now that makes me happy.
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