Let's put Love into action!

I am searching my mind as to my purpose on earth at this time, as I see far too many people who are so different from the way I think and feel. I see so many manipulated by fear to the point that they don't even recognize it. They are "protected" by their way of life, their belief systems, that they believe they are invincible. All they have to do is defend these beliefs. This is very old energy. It is tribal, a theology of separation. I believe it will soon die. It is becoming more voilent and dangerous because it is fighting for its life.

It is very difficult to just be and not do anything while these forces are raging against life and humanity. It is indeed sad. This is the world our children are growing up in. They need to be raised to do the right thing, not just enjoy their lives. They need to fight the good fight. We need to set up new systems for them, based on love and community. Even if the communities are destroyed, even if the children have to start over again and again, we need to start somewhere. We need to pass on what we learn on the way.

It is only by good example that we can change the world.

Happiness in the present

I have been exploring the concept of being present in my mind and in practice for the past week more consciously than I ever did before.

I have discovered a few things.

When I am withdrawn, pulling back into myself without being aware of what I am doing, someone will come along and "force" me to come out. They will do this by being aggressive, controlling, manipulative. My ex invited me to dinner with our children but was imposing all sorts of conditions on my attendance. This forced me to stand up for myself.

On the other hand when it's I who am being controlling and aggressive, I get a withdrawal reaction from others. For example, my kids will do a peaceful protest in the middle of the side walk. (Hey, there not my kids for nothing!)

Then today, I was swimming alone. I was feeling a bit off since the morning and when I got into the pool and began my lengths, I realized that presence means always being in your own company. Now, I love being alone. But I love being alone to do whatever I want to do; writing, reading, gardening, organizing, social networking, etc. Exercising is different. When I exercise I am alone with myself, just me and my body. There aren't too many distractions that take me away from myself. Even when I go running, the scenery can be beautiful and I can see funny or poetic things along the way, but basically I am stuck with my own thoughts to keep me company.

As I turned off my bedside lamp to go to sleep a few nights ago, I was visited by an ancient fear, one that used to come and go when I was a kid. It was the fear that I wouldn't wake up. This is really a fear of finding myself alone with myself. I inherited this fear. I got distracted from my own company as a child by being over stimulated. I was smart, so I was treated like I was older than I was. So I got into the habit of looking outside of myself and forgetting to look at all that is intriguing inside. And believe me, it's fascinating in there!

Aside from these revelations, I am finding that this practice of being fully present is bringing me more peacefulness. There is nothing I want outside myself in the present. I am more confident because I view everyone I meet as equals. I feel fearless because I don't have to worry about the future, and the past cannot affect me in the present.


To be present, I need to learn to like my own company, to work out my own issues, to face my own death and yet to fully engage in the moment.

Yet, I'm so much happier!

Delivering Julian

In our culture, it is expected that a father and a mother take care of their offspring. In the case of my two oldest children, this was not possible. I was twenty five years old, living in France, with a five month old and a three year old when I discovered that my ex was cheating on me. It took me six years to get myself and my children to Canada to live and be close to my family.

I remarried that same year. Once again, there was a father figure in my children's lives after a three year absence.

Despite the fact that my second husband did his very best to co-parent with me, I felt the burden of the past weighing heavily upon me every time there was a problem. And there were many, especially with my son, who had potential way beyond my means of giving him what he needed to fulfill it.

Now, at twenty five, my son is going to be a father. I still worry for him and his growing family. But today, on Father's day, something happened inside me.

I was in my father's garden.

"Are ye tired," my Da asked.

"No. I'm sad."

"Why?"

"I'm not quite sure."

He made me comfortable and left me for a moment. In that moment, I was aware of my son, talking with my brother in law, Anthony. He was talking about work. They had just been for coffee together. My son was confiding in his uncle, and my lovely brother in law was taking care of him. I felt a weight lift off me. I thought, "I never needed to worry. I just needed to wait until my son was ready to reach out".

He never lacked men, role models, help or fathering. He just didn't see the need for them and now he does.

I feel like a part of my work is done. I delivered him into life and I delivered him into family. What more can I do?

Poetry and Presence Explained

I feel a stirring inside my heart, a warm emotion, a realisation or a question. First of all it sits, hovering to the right side of my head but the words do not take form. If I recognize it and pay attention to it, the time will come when I have to grab it. When it enters my mind fully and I see its color, form, texture, if I do not grab it on time, it disappears. Sometimes, if I'm not too late, I can catch its tail and drag it back. But, other times, I can search and search but it's gone. It is like a sacred gift and if I do not accept it, it will go find another poet to give birth to it.

Now, reading poetry is different. When I begin to read a poem, it takes me a while to enter into it. I might have to read the first lines a few times. But very quickly it drops me into another part of myself, usually my heart. The heart is a funny thing because in the heart, I am fully present. Good poetry will ground me in the present where life is so fragrant, lush, vivid and sensual. There, in that place, I completely embrace my humanity. I see the preciousness of each moment. I memorize each sensation.

I have been thinking about the problems, the karma, the suffering in our world and I believe that before we can act in the physical realm, we need to act in the spiritual dimension. We need to use our minds to intend change, we need to abandon control, we need to trust in the healing process of life.

Healing my relationships, my own psyche needs a spiritual component. I cannot be present to others if my pain is lurking in the background. At least an awareness of my pain is necessary. The true essence of human beings is in the present moment. If a past trauma is unresolved, we tend to be stuck in the past or in the future. Our body language can tell us where we are. If I am slouching, curled in on myself, I am in the past. If I am dominating everyone, controlling, orchestrating the scene, I am probably in the future.

I heard a recovering alcoholic say once "we are always becoming something, never happy about who we are right now." I can see myself in this. I am on my way to running ten kilometres, or losing ten pounds by next Wednesday or becoming a Yogi. I am not saying that any of these things are wrong in themselves, it's the motivation behind them that I question. I think, "my life will be so much better", "I will be happier", "sexier", "stronger", "more elastic". Why not just do these things because they make me feel good in the moment? Or because they are fun? That is the difference between being in the future or in the present.

Now, sometimes we need to do this time travel. If we have put out a lot of energy on a new relationship, a new job, a new or stressful situation, we will need to have some time to ourselves to recharge our batteries. My suggestion would be to completely curl into yourself and have a good nap!

As with poetry, life is a sacred gift, that can only be fully lived in the present. Grab it, catch it by the tail and embrace it or it will find someone else to give birth to!

From a Head to Heart, let the Love flow!

Today I had a headache that I stopped me from functioning. So I went to bed. I don't take pills if I can avoid it because I want to know what is happening in my body. It seems luxurious to some, that I take to my bed instead of getting on with it. But, it is my choice and sometimes, I can indulge in the healthiest way I know to heal.

My nap was interrupted by seconds of wakefulness that couldn't be maintained. It was like I was cut off from part of my brain. I was trying to remember in those moments what I had to do for work, but numbers seems to evade me. It was like there was part of me that was trying to get out. I could see these parts but I couldn't get them out when I tried.

When I finally woke up fully, I was concerned. One day, this might be the case. One day, my body or mind or both will break down and what I have to share with the world will be more and more difficult. I thought of a friend whose mother wrote books about how we should keep our minds healthy with games. I thought about the languages I want to learn. But most of all I thought about the love I still needed to express.

My sister came by. She made a remark about how I could sometimes be snappy when I was stressed. I told her I was sorry, that she shouldn't take it personally and that no matter what I love her. She replied "I know". It's not the first time I got this reaction to my heartfelt declarations of love. It seems that those I love know it very well. So maybe the expression of my love is not what is lacking.

Maybe I just need to enjoy expressing it more. Maybe it is simply the awareness of it flowing through me towards others that needs to increase. I am a unique channel for love. I put my own color, flavor, sound and touch to the love that flows through my heart. I suppose all I need to do is watch, feel, smell and hear it flow.

Guilt, the arrogant emotion

Some parts of our culture approve of, use and even glorify guilt.

I have issues with guilt. It is self defeating and it sucks the life out of you. If guilt was a boyfriend, he'd beat you up, call you names and make you do stuff you didn't want to do. So I say, break up with guilt.

Guilt paints the world in black and white. It is judgemental. If guilt was a neighbour, it would be gossipy and unforgiving.

There is an antidote for guilt. It is self compassion. If compassion was a lover, it would be kind, gentle, considerate, helpful, but mostly understanding.

Befriend self compassion. How? Even before the guilt has time to arrive, now, for example, take time to be present to your own body and love every cell of it. Love it with your mind. Tell your body it is fabulous. Notice what an efficient organism your body is. Whatever its "flaws", they are there for a reason, love them.

Then you can ask yourself where your guilt comes from? Let me guess. You did something wrong. Who told you this was wrong? Really? Well, guess what? That person doesn't know everything. And neither do you. To assume that a situation is your fault is arrogant. It assumes you knew everything and did the wrong thing on purpose. Did you do it on purpose? No? So if a kid accidentally spills milk, you're going to yell at him and tell him it's all his fault that you have no money with him wasting milk like that? Start the guilt off early!

Or maybe you wanted something badly, so you took a short cut. Did someone ever cheat you out of anything? And that person is rotten to the core, right? No? But you are?

I will tell you a story I heard today. A man was in love with a woman but he was not allowed to marry her. He had to marry her sister. He complied. But one day, both sisters were drowning. He could only save one and he saved the one he loved, not the one he married. The guilt that ensued destroyed his life.

Firstly, he was wronged, not being allowed to marry the woman he loved. Secondly, if he had married the one he loved, maybe the sisters would never have been friends again. They wouldn't have been boating together and fallen in. So while his wife was alive, she still had her sister. We do not always know the good we do, nor the bad. Finally, where did his love for this woman come from? Was it God given? How are we to know what urges, impulses or instincts are good or bad at any given moment?

That is why being friends with yourself might help you make better decisions. Beating yourself up certainly won't.

Practicing self compassion gives us a gentler grip on life. It helps us to see the world and others with more love and beauty. We can finally see that we are never in complete control. We only have control over ourselves and even that control is limited. The more we try to control an impulse, the harder it will fight to be released. Facing it and loving that part of ourself is always a better option. I am not advocating indulgence, but self knowledge. We all have parts of our hearts that are broken. But it's not permanent.

What makes me Happy

Today I had a happy day. It came in many different forms.

My iphone alarm woke me at six. I noticed straight away that I had a message. It was a message of love and friendship, togetherness in struggle from a friend far away. So some of my first thoughts and feelings today were warm. One the first things I did today was smile. How wonderful to start the day with a smile!

I headed out into the sunrise with my dog along the lake. Dressed in a sleeveless teeshirt and yoga pants, I fully embraced the wind that was blowing all around me. It seemed to come from everywhere. I have a thing for the wind. I feel like it stirs things up and moves stagnant energy. Maybe I love it too because I was born and raised on an island where the wind would bring us three seasons in one day!

There aren't many people on the boardwalk before seven am, but anyone who is, seems timidly friendly. As I approach my half way mark I see thirty sets of legs in the air by the beach. It's a fitness class. The onlookers include geese, swans and a crane.
I return home through a wooded area where I have seen deer and a coyote. There is a tree there that I love. I call it the magician because it appears to have a robe on.

After filling my fridge with food and doing some work, I had a delightful lunch with a friend with deep thoughtful eyes. Then later, spent many hours with three women who bring me support, laughter, joy and who cause me to be in awe of their beauty and wisdom.

I watched children, mine and others laugh and be playful. I comforted my sister who was feeling fragile. And I got a quick visit from my son and his girlfriend.

Somewhere in between all of this joyful activity, I watched a video of an acting coach Patsy Rodenberg. She said that in grief the only people who managed to comfort her were actors because actors know how to be present.
I want to be present and I want to act. Acting is how I have the most fun in the world. But I want to be present because I always want to be there for whoever is in front of me.

Now that makes me happy.

Who to blame?

Today I got upset. I got caught between my boss and a client. I got the impression that I was being blamed for their errors. Well, maybe I had a part in it. I might have misunderstood my boss's words. He is from Cork after all!

He was just getting frustrated because he wasn't getting paid. But I feel like I do a good job and deserve to be trusted.

I have had some of the worst bosses that are legally possible. One that shouted at me because I miscounted background actors by two people with a line up of two hundred in the sweltering sun. Another used graphic language about my anatomy. His words were so bad that I couldn't repeat them here. And he was blaming me on a mistake he had made.
On the other hand I've had some beautiful bosses who led with understanding and confidence, rather than acting like an authority figure. One such person received a complaint about me and after listening, without needing to ask my side, defended me instantly.

This is the kind of relationship that I choose. If someone doesn't trust that I am doing my best then they can find someone else. I don't need to be shouted at or for foul language to be used to inspire me into action. I am more than happy to fix whatever I miscalculate or misunderstand, just because I care and like to do a good job. I want to be a positive part of whatever I am doing.

Children's lives are entrusted to me daily. I am everything to them - teacher, counsellor, cook, judge, coach, disciplinarian, witness, avocate and cuddler. How much more important is that than appearing "professional" or efficient in someone's eyes?

In the past, I was afraid of being fired. Every little mistake made me edgy and so I made lots of them. I wrongly concluded that I wasn't made for accounting or for the business world. And maybe it isn't my forte. However, something I have accumulated with the wrinkles and grey hairs, is a value for myself. I am not what I do right or wrong. I am so much more.

When it comes down to it, I choose to work with people who are mature enough to know how great they are, and how fallible they are. Then there is no one to blame. There is just, "how can we fix this?"

Pioneer of Free Falling

I got the feeling many times in my life that I needed to invent my own way through whatever I was doing. I found out the hard way that that the example I got didn't work for me. Neither did the opposite to that example. So what was I to do?

I try to catch myself when I start thinking that there's a right thing and a wrong thing. I remember when I was a kid, watching old Hollywood movies with Catherine Hepburn, thinking, "Okay. He got into trouble because he did that." Hollywood defined my notion of "sin" as much as the Catholic church did. Argh!

Many tough and interesting experiences taught me not to be so judgemental. When torn up about a life changing decision, a complete stranger walked up to me and said "sometimes wrong is right." My friends burst into laughter when she heard him because we had just been discussion my decision.

It's a great relief to allow myself to be "less than perfect" in my own mind or not to know what I'm going to do next. It's liberating and exciting. I don't mean I don't have a schedule. I mean I don't have to have my life planned out ahead of me. Now sometimes that can be scary too. Deciding to follow a path into a new dimension puts you face to face with the unknown. Where's the security? There is none, you step off the cliff and free fall.

But there is security. It's a security that is not financial. It's not depending on anyone or anything outside of myself. It is a commitment to myself that I will take good care of myself, no matter what situation I'm in. That can mean speaking up for myself and it sometimes means saying no to someone that I love. But more often it means saying no to myself when I want to go back to old patterns of thought.

I am not advocating becoming a vagabond, unless that's what you've always wanted. Nor am I saying that you don't need to plan for our retirement. I'm talking about sensing what's best for myself from the inside, knowing what I know from the outside. It's balancing my head and my heart. It's following the energy that flows from inside. And taking steps towards it.

And then free falling!

Radical Love of Life

I think I'm going to have to live up to the "radical" in the title of this blog. The thing is that I don't feel so radical when I'm writing. (I hear my sisters chanting "write more, Mary, write more"!)

The thing behind my radical ideas is that I care passionately about people. I even care about the people I don't like and the ones I don't agree with. I believe that our world cannot be ideal until we are all ready to agree on that ideal or something close to it. Otherwise we could all live in self governing communities and could choose the one that suits us most. But still, we would need ground rules because we share the same air, the same water.

I think that right now we have too many rules, written and unwritten, enforced and ingrained. So much history that keeps us down and institutions that clip our wings. Our social norms dictate that we be domesticated. And now the western world faces economic austerity measures. Yes, Canadians they are coming here too.

Now, I do think we should protest injustice. And governments are going to try to make us believe that the debt is ours. But whether or not we protest, I suggest we embrace simple living now. Lets turn off our screens, lights, heaters, air conditioners and go outside and play as much as possible. Make a bucket list of things that cost nothing, that make no carbon footprint. If you have to travel in a car to go to the country, fill your car with people, so they can enjoy it too.

It all comes down to respect for life and community.

Powerful people, in general, don’t seen to have respect for the lives of others. And we need to speak out against this injustice. But if I respect my own life, my own body, if I spend my time as well as I can and help whoever I can along the way, then I’m doing my part.

The Importance of Nothing

It's Sunday morning. I swapped my ten year old son for a four year old niece for the night with my sister. So, I have two four year olds quietly reaping havoc on the already messy bedrooms above my head. My almost 12 year old daughter is in her bed, headphones on, watching past episodes of "Glee". The man of the house is on the couch, creating art or music on his ipad. The washing machine and dryer are humming away below me and the birds that have taken residence in our fan are chirping away outside the window behind me.

It is peaceful. Nothing is happening and I'm savouring it.

Often we say to each other when we meet "What's happenin'?" And reply grimacing "not much" or "same old, same old" or "surviving". What are we saying? "Our lives are boring". Are our lives only exciting when we are going on exotic holidays? Or are they only exciting when we have some battle to fight? Or maybe we live through others. "You'll never guess what she did."

What do we want to do more than we are doing? What do we want to do less of? What is stopping us?

I would like to see more live theatre, music and dance. I would like to spend more time, cooking with friends and having them over for dinner. I would like to take a few days and go to the country with a bunch of women. So what's stopping me? Only one thing and it's not time or money, or management. It's importance. I do not give importance to what I want because I am busy being "responsible".

I see the scene. It's raining, maybe a distant rumbling of thunder (of course there has to be some drama at my funeral). They are giving me a eulogy before they put my hemp coffin into the ground. What are they saying? "She was so responsible. She has nothing to regret." Or are they saying? "She lived a good life. She looked after her children but she had fun along the way."

And I'm looking down from heaven, saying, "I'm glad I got that laundry done instead of going for a walk with my sisters." (Of course I'll be in heaven!)

Whether or not I get around to doing all these lovely things I wish for, there's one thing I'm doing right now, enjoying the nothing. Because sometimes that's what I want most.

My Nails on a Chalk Board

Toilet seats left up, toothpaste left open, cars that cut me off, don't really bother me. I see them as part of living together, par for the course.

My pet peeve came at a very young age. My sister, who was far more mischievous than I was, got caught and punished severely for something I had also done. But she was picked on, not me. She was really being punished for who she was, not what she did. I wanted to hurl my small body at the unfairness and punch it with my little fists. But I knew it pointless and was afraid to take on such a giant. Since that day injustice has been my nails on a chalk board.

If I'm honest, my experiences with police officers are pretty even. They were there for me when I was assaulted by my ex. But on the other hand, an officer who stopped me acted heartlessly when I told him that my friend in the car, had just had minor surgery. She was in pain. But, he wouldn't let me go or hurry up the process. And he was not very pleasant about it.

Still, I truly had a healthy respect for the force. I taught my children to address them with respect, to obey the law because it made sense. I told them that the police were there to protect us all.

All of this lovely confidence evaporated last year when I saw how the police behaved at the G20 summit in Toronto and it's a very difficult climb to get it back. Of course, I know that many officers did not agree with what happened and many officers have their hearts in the right places. But I am still traumatized by the injustice of what happened. The protesters were punished for who they were not for what they had done.

Again, my "not so small" body was filled with anger. How could I take on this giant? As before, I did not know what to do with my rage. It would no longer fit in my unconscious mind. So I cut my own hair and planted a garden. I meditated and read spiritual materials. I concluded that every problem, every injustice has a deeper cause. It is fundamentally about right and wrong. So the solution is to do more right, spread the knowledge, the love, the joy. That's the activism I choose to be engaged in.

I have changed in this process. In my personal life, I am drawing more lines in the sand. You behave badly, I will let you know. I see the wrong, I will say it.

Little Mary has a voice. She not punching the giant but she's blowing it's cover!

The Luxury of Learning

I had the luxury of going to the zoo with my 4 year old's class. I have the luxury of dropping my kids off and picking them up everyday. I have the luxury of a large overdraft too!!!

This was the facebook status that inspired this blog. I was ranting because of a parent who was trying to "sway" the parent council not to make a parent area at the entrance of the school yard.

I love being able to be there for my kids everyday. It is a choice. It is a sacrifice that I don't make alone. Would I swap it for other "luxuries"? Only if they would benefit my kids.

And yes, people tend to like me (even if I rant about politics!) Maybe, just maybe they like me because when I represent the parents, I will speak for them, even if I don't agree with them. That's democratic! When more people vote against what I want, I not only go along with it, I enforce it.

I might get impassioned and get carried away and maybe talk too much / write too much. But I will not attack you personally if you have a different opinion. In fact, I enjoy a different opinion. I enjoy debate. I learn from others when they are open enough to really engage in an exchange.

i was on this parent council for seven years. Many parents approached me with worries and concerns, from their kids getting their feet wet when changing from snow boots to indoor shoes, to parents looking for advocacy because their children were asked to leave the school. I couldn't help everybody. And for what I did, I didn't have much help.

I called superintendents, ran meetings, took on roles by default, fundraised, did accounting, wrote articles and begged people. I begged them to get involved, I begged them to come to events, I begged them to translate a speech for me, I begged them to include me in their groups. I got many rejections and I admit, I shed a few tears. Every February, I got depressed, not because of the lack of sunshine but because of the lack of love from the parents for my cause.

And what is my cause?

At first my cause was material. I wanted to improve the playground. I saw this as a multileveled goal. A better playground would overall cause our children to be happier to come to school. It would reduce bullying and boredom. It would give our children a reason to be proud.

Then I realized that there were bigger problems, a lack of school spirit and also our parents were struggling. Most are new immigrants. So I revised my vision to creating community. I ran coffee mornings alone. I was present at kindergarden orientation. I was there with my coffee and cookies at curriculum night and parent teacher night, mostly alone.

Finally, my dream came true. New parents arrived. Parents willing to give time, energy, money, enthusiasm, skills and expertise. We got things done. We raised money. We had fun events. Teachers, parents, students and community members were coming out of the woodwork. How thrilling after all those years of struggle!

Then the clashes began. Egos bounced off each other, mine included until I could not, would not take anymore. It was sad and ironic.

But I am still here, on the sidelines. My tiny stunt in community politics has helped me to understand a lot about human nature and even more about myself.