Happiness in the present

I have been exploring the concept of being present in my mind and in practice for the past week more consciously than I ever did before.

I have discovered a few things.

When I am withdrawn, pulling back into myself without being aware of what I am doing, someone will come along and "force" me to come out. They will do this by being aggressive, controlling, manipulative. My ex invited me to dinner with our children but was imposing all sorts of conditions on my attendance. This forced me to stand up for myself.

On the other hand when it's I who am being controlling and aggressive, I get a withdrawal reaction from others. For example, my kids will do a peaceful protest in the middle of the side walk. (Hey, there not my kids for nothing!)

Then today, I was swimming alone. I was feeling a bit off since the morning and when I got into the pool and began my lengths, I realized that presence means always being in your own company. Now, I love being alone. But I love being alone to do whatever I want to do; writing, reading, gardening, organizing, social networking, etc. Exercising is different. When I exercise I am alone with myself, just me and my body. There aren't too many distractions that take me away from myself. Even when I go running, the scenery can be beautiful and I can see funny or poetic things along the way, but basically I am stuck with my own thoughts to keep me company.

As I turned off my bedside lamp to go to sleep a few nights ago, I was visited by an ancient fear, one that used to come and go when I was a kid. It was the fear that I wouldn't wake up. This is really a fear of finding myself alone with myself. I inherited this fear. I got distracted from my own company as a child by being over stimulated. I was smart, so I was treated like I was older than I was. So I got into the habit of looking outside of myself and forgetting to look at all that is intriguing inside. And believe me, it's fascinating in there!

Aside from these revelations, I am finding that this practice of being fully present is bringing me more peacefulness. There is nothing I want outside myself in the present. I am more confident because I view everyone I meet as equals. I feel fearless because I don't have to worry about the future, and the past cannot affect me in the present.


To be present, I need to learn to like my own company, to work out my own issues, to face my own death and yet to fully engage in the moment.

Yet, I'm so much happier!